SEPTEMBER 25, 1998 GAY PEOPle's ChroNICLE 17

BIG TIPS

How do we tell our friends that we're breaking up?

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

My sister called me this morning because she had dreamed my girlfriend and I had broken up, and she wanted to make sure it wasn't true. I assured her that all was well, and was once again grateful that no one in our family has evidenced any disposition toward having psychic dreams. Frankly that's a relief to me, because otherwise I'd be outside naked a lot.

Dear Big Tipper,

My partner and I are in the end stages of couples' therapy that has resulted in us deciding to break up. We've been together for eighteen years, and although we respect each other and actually love each other, we haven't been in love for a long time, and have been staying together because it was easier than separating.

Of course the logistics alone are a nightmare since we own everything together, including pets and a home. The specific problem we're presenting to you, though, is what and how to tell our friends. Our intimates know that things have been hard lately, but since we've always been the ones to host the Christmas parties and the picnics, we have a large circle of friends who will be surprised to hear this.

We're not interested in having conversations about it with them, but it seems odd for the news to pass around as a rumor. Is there any specific protocol to follow concerning the announcement of a breakup?

Go Tell It on the Mountain?

Dear Don't Ask, You'll Tell

If your intimate friends don't already know, they should get a phone call or hear it in person from the member of the couple they're closest to. That may feel awkward to do as you get farther out to more casual friends.

In a case like yours, in which the breakup has been thoughtful and amicable, it's perfectly appropriate to send short handwritten notes to the members of your extended circle. Just a few lines can let them know that the breakup, while sad, is the best thing for you both, and that you both look forward to keeping individual friendships with them.

And while you obviously have a great deal to deal with and think about these days, don't forget that traditions change and evolve over time. Maybe one or both of you will help the next Christmas host with the roast.

Dear M.T.,

I've got a problem that I know is none of my business, but here goes: My girlfriend recently finished school, and is applying for jobs. We all know how hard it is to get your first job, because you haven't had

experience, but she's putting things on her résumé that just aren't true. I'm afraid that she's going to get in trouble.

Dear Shady Sweetie,

My Lyin' Tiger

I think we all know that there are lies, and there are lies. If she says she's been the executive director of the NAACP for the past several years, she'll get caught and be humiliated. However, if she says she's "proficient" at Photoshop, when actually she just has it installed on her computer and is meaning to learn how to use it, well, there's a whole lot of manual-reading that can get packed into the weekend before the new job starts.

If you think she's setting herself up to be embarrassed by making ridiculous claims, you could offer to help her with the résumé text to really play up her actual skills and experience. If she's just massaging and stretching the truth a bit, like saying she has mastery over a skill that she just has experience in, that is what résumé writing is all about.

Résumés are your personal commercial. They're your 15-second spot on the Super Bowl. You're not going to spend those fleeting seconds sharing your feelings about your earnest attempts to improve yourself. You're going to strip down to the spangly halter top, shake it, and Sell That Beer. It's no place to be humble.

It's easier on everyone's nerves, of course, if the hullaballoo is all about what you can really produce. Tell her I wish her luck on the job search.

Dear Big Tipper,

If I know someone in her drag persona, then meet him in a “straight" context, and know his real name, which do I call him by the next time I see him in drag? Do I call him "him" or "her"?

Dear War of the Words,

The Crying Name

If you run into Helena Handbasket working at Kinko's, and his name tag says "Buddy" (and he doesn't appear to be doing Kristy McNichol), he's Buddy, and he's he. When you run into her at Dragapalooza, and she's done up as Helena, she's Helena, and you refer to her as she.

If you're close friends with Buddy, and you run into him as Helena, and you and he are having a private conversation, he's probably Buddy to you and a he, unless she specifies differently.

If, however, you're talking with her in front of other people, particularly people she doesn't know, or isn't close to, the illusion should rule the occasion, and Helena is a she. Otherwise why spend all that time and energy on the tuck and the eyelashes?

You might also take into consideration whether Buddy is a crossdresser or a drag queen. When someone is crossdressing, he or she is almost always very invested in being perceived and treated as the gender they are presenting. On the other hand, drag queens or "female illusionists” may be glamorous, but frequently they're working, and you have more latitude to address them (privately) by their non-drag names. Don't be annoying, though, and drop their boy

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name loudly in a crowd. It won't make you seem more in the know: People will just be irritated by the interruption of the illusion.

For a limited time, everyone who sends a letter or e-mail question to Big Tips will receive a piece of Blessed Mother bric-abrac: a key chain, a little statuette, perhaps a magnet. I am breaking up and dispersing a huge collection over the course of this year, and you are my latest recipients.

For more information on this "Diaspora Project," contact me at M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.

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